Boundaries

On: Personal Space and Boundaries

The definition of the word boundary is pretty simple: something that indicates bounds or limits; a limiting or bounding line. It could be a picket fence, a stone wall, or an electric fence. It could also be invisible like a town line. If we are talking about a person’s boundary, it could be how they imagine their “personal space” or the depth of the internal feelings they want to share with others. A boundary is a thing that can keep things in or keep things out. That depends on your perspective, I guess.

So, why am I talking about boundaries today? It is a theme that keeps coming up for me in various ways, mostly around personal boundaries and not my property lines. Believe it or not, defining them and making them known to others is not as easy as it seems. When I first had to face my most recent tragedy, I realized that I had to quickly put some boundaries in place to protect my fragile emotional state. Others stepped up to help me do this and to enforce those boundaries on my behalf. I just needed a little space to sit with the fact that my husband had passed away and knew that there were so many people that would be affected by this and who would want to offer their support, but I was ill prepared to deal with that. That was stage one of the boundary development. 

Stage two was to redefine what I was able to handle as time progressed. This was something that I really needed to do myself. However, the protective nature of others made it difficult, at times, for me to assert myself enough that made them understand that I really knew what I was doing. They meant well, but continued to make decisions for me that I did not want or need. In addition, people that were not in my immediate vicinity or family assumed that I needed the space to grieve and they didn’t want to intrude. Although I understood that, it also made me frustrated because no matter how many times I told people I wanted them to come over, they stayed away for fear of crossing that assumed boundary.

Stage three seems to be an ongoing one that is based on the continued struggle with self-preservation. This one seems to also have the potential to hurt others’ feelings. No matter how many people tell me that I have to stick to my guns and do what I need to do for myself, the idea that others’ feelings could be hurt is just plain hard for me. But, knowing what I can handle and what I can’t is more important than what others need or think that I need. At least that is how it has been described to me.

Basically, I believe that everyone needs boundaries in their life. Children need them so they know what the rules are and how to navigate their own growth and development within the safety zone. Teenagers need them because they think they are invincible and need protection – no matter how much they fight and want to break through them. Adults also need them, and they have to be malleable in order to change with each new situation. Whether they are around work and personal life, are based on an event or even a holiday, individuals need to be aware of their own needs, because the ability to cope and thrive is dependent upon them.

Consider how you protect yourself from situations or people in order to maintain your mental and physical health. Are you clear what your boundaries are and why? Do others recognize and respect your need for them? I hope this post gives you some food for thought on the topic of boundaries and how it doesn’t matter if you can see them or not, they still exist.