Back to the Ring

Or where it used to be….

It was bad enough having to take off my wedding ring in the first place, but now I find myself perseverating about its absence. The indent is still there, but that is not what is bothering me. What is bothering me is how I feel about not having a ring on that finger at all.

For a while I would wear different rings as a placeholder. They covered up the indent and it was kind of like I was still married. Recently, however, I decided to leave it blank. I wear a ring on my middle finger, but not my ring finger. So, there I was the other day at a networking event with my naked finger just screaming at me. Why, might you ask? I was actually a little embarrassed about not having a ring there because I didn’t want people to think I was divorced or had a choice in this matter. I found myself sitting next to someone I knew a long time ago and I actually covered up my hand so that there wasn’t a chance he would ask about my “status.” Not that he would of course, but he knew me as married before and now- I wondered what he would think if he noticed. It was highly unlikely that he knew about the recent death of my husband.

Then my mind went into not wanting to make yet another person feel sorry for me if I had to tell him I was a widow. Stupid right? I was actually going between feeling like a fake and feeling like a jerk. This was after I had tried to put my ring back on the previous day just to be sure it wouldn’t fit! I was assured by the fact that even the engagement ring couldn’t even remotely get past my knuckle. So, there was no way I could put it on.

Clearly, most people aren’t looking at my hand to see if I am wearing a wedding ring. If they are friends or associates, they either know I am a widow or assume I’m still married. That’s how I figure it. I cannot believe I am actually writing about this, but seriously, it is part of the day-to-day happenings in my head. I wonder what other widows or widowers would say about this dilemma. (Please take note that I have used the term widow several times. That is not like me, but I am coming to the conclusion that it is just another role I play in life: mother, widow, friend, grammy, colleague…..)

I guess it would be one thing if I lost it or forgot to put it on…. This is just another bump on the cobblestone path to healing.