My Current Conundrums

I know I haven’t written a blog post in a while but I have been writing behind the scenes on other things. Today, however, I have decided to get it out! Lucky day for my readers… or maybe not so lucky- as this is a long one. 

Being a Widow Still Tastes Bad!

One thing I don’t like to do is harp on being a widow… But, I find myself saying how much I do not like being one (mostly to myself) all the time. Although it has been over a year and a half, I still feel bad telling people that I am “one.” Sometimes I wonder why I feel the need to tell them at all. I guess I feel like if I don’t that they will think I am some sort of imposter. In the past, I have written about not wearing my wedding ring and now I find myself purposely not wearing a ring on that finger just to prove a point to myself that I can do it. Of course, that makes me self conscious as well and I wonder what people think. They probably don’t even care, but I wonder if they think I am divorced. For some reason I really hate the idea of people thinking that. Not that being divorced is such a bad thing, but I am not that.

My Bedroom is Like a Time Capsule

I would venture a guess that most widows or widowers don’t change much about their bedrooms after the loss of a spouse. It is probably normal, but it is getting to the point where I feel I need to tackle a clean-out. I refuse to be one of those people who never does it and then the kids would be responsible. Of course, I may need to solicit some help from them or someone else to help me, but I am going to start doing it soon. 

I have done an initial clothing removal and yet, that was just the tip of the iceberg and I know the next step is going to be harder. One one hand, they are just clothes and quite frankly I don’t know why I would keep them. Am I going to pull them out and look at them? They don’t smell like him, so that makes it even less compelling. I will have the boys go through them one more time and then will either donate them to hospice or drop them in a bin. The problem is that there are so many articles that are still new and I hate to just throw them in a bin. This is exactly the reason for the proscrastination! It’s not that I am ill prepared to part with the clothes, it is the fact that I have to make decisions, organize how to get them where I want them to go, and then take them there. That’s a lot of steps. 

Then there’s the dresser. I hate looking at that thing. I have started cleaning out his side of the drawers which was ok, but I have no freaking idea what I am going to do with the stuff that is on top. So much of it will not mean anything to anybody else and again, I am not going to need it. I want to get rid of his childhood dresser and for some reason- that seems like an insurmountable task! Throwing things out doesn’t seem like a reasonable way to part with it all. 

Lastly, there are all of the items like silly collages that I made for him when we were just dating. They are framed and sit on a shelf  alongside the many pictures of us together at varying times along our journey. Again, what the heck do I do with them as no one will ever really care about them or do anything with them. As I write this, I can see a lot of crying in my future when I finally get down to the brass tacks of getting this chore done.

Miscellaneous Items

Unless you have gone through the loss of a loved one and had to sort through their personal items, this may seem like a silly way to think about things. However, this is the thought process for me. It goes along with the bedroom theme. 

My living room is still the same. Same pictures, same arrangement and same stuff. Much of which Scott and I threatened to clean up years ago and never did. So, now I am forced to help my kids do it. This will be a delicate balance to ensure that I don’t change too much as that would be devastating to the kids and grandkids. Perhaps just a relocation would be enough to push a little forward movement. 

In the kitchen I find the same stupid thing! I have wedding gifts/bowls/ china, etc that meant something to us a long time ago, but no one else has any attachment. I have these really cool wine glasses that I got in an antiques store eons ago for one of our anniversaries and they are so cool. The kids don’t know what they mean to me. Why would they? The funny thing is that this stuff has been shoved to the back of the cabinets for years. Now, if Scott was still alive, there is no doubt we could easily part with it all. The difference is that we would have done the “bon voyage” together after a discussion that would have included the space to reminisce. Now, I am the only one reminiscing and that kind of sucks.  I hate making these decisions without him.

Time Marches on

I have been able to move forward in pretty healthy ways, I believe. I am happy. I am healthy. I have my family and friends. I am successful in my work. I have hope for a future full of life and love. Deep down, though, I don’t want people to mistake my ability to pull myself up by my bootstraps for letting go and forgetting. Grief is still part of my every day, it just becomes more personal as the days progress. I am not sure how to explain that any better. 

I will never forget because when a person finds their way into your heart, they live there forever. Some take up more space than others, but the fact that they touched your heart means they are permanent residents. Embrace their presence and know that they have helped to make you who you are today. I know I am so grateful for my tenants. 

Peace.