Summer Blues

On: Another Season Filled With Grief

Perhaps you read the title and an image of the pretty blue sky immediately popped into your mind. Then you saw the two empty beach chairs and thought….hmmmm- maybe not so pretty after all. Well, that is how I feel sometimes these days. I am having the summer blues. 

Yesterday was the first day of summer and I am excited about that on the surface. I do enjoy the warm weather and being outside more often. There are so many activities happening that I have and will continue to take part in, but I am afraid that something is missing. Rather someone. Here I go again- missing my playmate, and so sad that our big plans to start doing things together are now simply up to me. It’s annoying!! It’s frustrating! It’s saddening! It’s summertime! 

This was going to be the summer of golfing way more often. We hadn’t golfed for two years and had planned to make it a more regular activity. It was always fun to go together in the past. He would send the ball hundreds of yards off the Tee and I would be thankful if my ball went in the air. He would hit it straight right down the course and I would send mine straight into the woods. He would then, of course, turn his back while I threw my ball back onto the course so I could hit it from where it landed and try to catch up to him. He told me which club to use when and he never got frustrated with my golfing deficits. We just enjoyed spending time together laughing and drinking beer along the way. Then we would have lunch or dinner and go home giggling about our golfing follies. This week I played golf with some friends, and I have to say it was nice to do and I enjoyed it, but it evoked lots of memories and the realization that if I am going to play more often- I will have to make it happen on my own. 

Ugh and the beach. Another favorite place of ours to go. We only got to the beach once last year and the year before, not at all. For so many years prior to his first hospital stay we would go as often as we could afford. Walking the beach. Playing in the waves. Going out to dinner and walking the shops. Needless to say, I am feeling like I need to find some new beaches and try something new in order to enjoy going to the beach again. I do love the beach, but sakes alive- I would much rather go with him! (Sorry to anyone else who accompanies me on my new adventures. I appreciate your company in advance and promise to have fun.)

The deck and fire pit at my house are the usual go to’s in the summer. Every time I go out and sit there by myself, I think of him. Ok, actually even if people are out there with me, I think of all the talks and dreams we shared sitting together. Our imaginations usually got the better of us and I am not sure we actually acted on any of the big ideas we had. But it sure was fun to do. Our camp is the same way. I have not been there without him yet and am actually dreading going there. This was becoming our little sanctuary where we would go just by ourselves as often as we could. We would take walks. Sit on the deck. Sit at the fire pit. We just enjoyed the quiet and being alone together. As much as we enjoyed being with other people, we were pretty inseparable and that is what sucks. 

Ok, now that I have spilled my guts about the sad things of summer, I will tell you that I do have some positive things planned. I will be officiating a wedding this weekend for some good friends. I will go to an annual 4th of July party at my cousin-in-law’s house. I signed up for a corn hole tournament here in town. I am traveling to my brother’s lake house and spending a week with some siblings. On the way there, I will visit one of Scott’s good college friends. On the way home….who knows. I am keeping my options open. I am trying to keep the word “adventurous” in my vocabulary these days. Don’t worry about me, I will be fine. I always am, because I have people who look after me and whom I care deeply about. Peace.