The Week of a Widow

On: Being a Widow

First and foremost, I want to tell you that I really don’t like the term “widow,” but it is one that I am forced to face on a daily basis. So, I guess I just need to accept that this is the term that will be the forever stamp on my new/current marital status. I was reminded of this fact recently when I updated an insurance policy and there it was on the application- glaring at me from the page. Yuck! And this reminded me of my other recent struggle with my title choice….Mrs. or Ms. I feel like I am both, but more inclined to go with Mrs. since I took husband’s name and I wouldn’t have it otherwise. On the other hand, however, I am married without a spouse- so I can’t really claim being a Mrs.- at least on more formal documents. This is just one of the little stupid widow things I have been struggling to deal with. 

Then, I got to add a few items to the list of “firsts” for things to do without a spouse. One was not celebrating the Valentine’s Day holiday. I felt good and sorry for myself on that day! In addition to that was watching my sons prepare for sugaring season without their father. (For those who are unfamiliar with the term- this means the Maple Sugaring season.) At least they worked together as a team to prepare for the sap to start running and they talked to Dad while they were stomping around the woods. On the first boil, the youngest was in charge of watching the temperature that determines when the sap turns to syrup and he did what Daddy would do and he tapped the gauge. An unnecessary thing to do, but it was a hallmark move of Scott’s and we all do it if we are sitting at the gauge, just for fun. 

Lastly, I was not feeling great. I had the stupid cough that just wouldn’t quit all week and I was overwhelmed with exhaustion. So, I laid around a lot watching television, and thinking about all the things I was not getting done. Basically, I couldn’t get out of my own way and this made me even more depressed. Writing was one of those things and I just couldn’t bring myself to put any thoughts down on paper. I did manage to get to the gym several times though, when I was feeling up to it. Things just felt very heavy on my heart and mind and it was one of the worst week’s I have had since the beginning of this journey.

Alas, all is not lost and this week has not been a repeat of the last one. I have gotten out of my way and pulled myself out of the funk I was in. As you can see, I am writing this blog post. I have started to get organized for a class I was accepted into that will focus on a 5 year growth plan for my plumbing business. I listened to a fabulous book Speak, by Tunde Oyeneyin, went out to a fundraising event with a friend, attended a Rotary meeting with my aunt and uncle, and have been to the gym consistently. So, despite the rough patch that was called “last week,” I have started fresh and regained my composure. I know that these times are going to happen as I move forward in life, but boy did that week just remind me of how hard this is now and how hard it is going to be for a long, long time. 

There will be times when emotions come and close in on us without warning. Then there will be times when we are simply reminded that we have one of the greats up there keeping an eye on us and sending strength in whatever form that may be. It could be by sending a friend to call on us, playing a song on the radio that makes my grandson wiggle in his seat at the table, or it could simply be him looking at us from his picture on the mantle with a great big smile on his face. The life of a widow is not pretty, but it doesn’t have to be the end of a life filled with love. One day at a time. One week at a time. One “first” at a time. This widow will keep moving forward.