The Weight of Worry

On: Worrying

Perhaps you know this about me- I don’t like when people worry about me. You may also know that I tend to worry about everyone else all the time! It’s ironic, I know, but it is how I roll. So, when I decided to head south to spend some time with family and friends this past week, I was prepared to face the fact that my siblings would only believe that I am doing ok when they could see the whites of my eyes. Based on the visit, I am confident that they truly believe I will be able to move forward in life. 

The time away provided me with the opportunity to enjoy a little fresh air, good conversations, laughs, and quality time with people that I love. Admittedly, this was a nice change of pace, because although I am surrounded by people who love me, including my children, there is something soothing about siblings. You can be brutally honest with them and tell them things that are difficult to share and at the same time, just be. 

I was prepared to relax and do some fun stuff, but the laughter and funny stories were what kept it light all week. I actually only cried a little bit. That was something I haven’t done much, and it was surprising to be able to talk about Scott and not break down in tears at random times. Of course, I try not to feel guilty about that, but that too is part of the process- allowing for happiness to survive even after a loss. It is both strange and frustrating. However, the stories were what brought us all together in the uncharted territory of the loss. My nuclear family is not the only family who is suffering the loss of my husband, but my siblings and their families are too. It makes me so sad. They lost a really great brother and uncle. 

This trip also allowed me some time to sit outside all by myself. I was able to breathe, listen to music and enjoy the warm sun on my face. So, when reflecting upon those moments on the way home, it occurred to me that this was the first time in a long time that I was able to actually feel calm from the inside out. Upon further reflection, I became aware of the fact that I have been worrying about Scott and his health for a long time. The past year and a half was filled with an underlying stress that I was unaware was plaguing me. No matter how strong he and I were as individuals and as a team through the medical challenges that he/we faced, there was always worry in the back of my mind and that took a toll on me. So, when I was provided the space to sit with myself, outside of my home, it was just what I needed to be able to “not worry.” Trust me when I tell you that I would rather have him here and worry about him than the alternative which is that empty space.

The long and the short of it is that worrying is a heavy lift and is not something that you can just hand off for the day and let someone else do for you. If that was the case, everyone would be doing a worrying time-share. Nope, it is a part of the personal journey, and you are the only person who can diffuse it. For me, I feel like I was able to help some of my siblings to stop worrying about me so much (they will always worry), by showing up and being honest, proving that I am ok. This helped me to stop worrying about them worrying about me! For some, perhaps it is allowing others to help you by giving them the power to help. Put your trust in others, even for a short period of time so that you can find a tiny bit of space to reset and re-energize a little at a time. It is easy to say and not easy to do. Try to take the time to look inside and be honest with yourself about the weight you are bearing and how it affects you and your life. Then perhaps, you will be able to take the steps to ask for help. Like they say on the airlines: “put your oxygen mask on first.” You must be able to take care of yourself if you are going to be able to help others. Trust me- everyone wants to help, so consider how accepting help can be a win-win. Maybe a worrying time share isn’t such a bad idea after all.